Asking for Help: What is Stopping You?

In my years as a psychiatric nurse, I have worked with many people who had trouble asking for help. The situations people needed help with were as varied as the people themselves. They ranged from needing help with household chores to needing help at work. What I saw was that people were afraid to ask for help for varying reasons. Below, I review some of the reasons I encountered and I break them down. Think of situations where you have had trouble asking for help and see if any of these apply to you.

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Do you believe asking for help will make people think less of you?

If this describes you, consider asking yourself a follow-up question: “Who will think less of me? Is it the people I ask for help or me?”

If you don’t think it’s you consider these questions:

• Who’s best interest is this person acting in by being like this?

• Why is this person’s opinion important to you? Do they have power over you? If so are they using it justly or are they repeatedly crossing your boundaries?

• Is this a situation where it is more appropriate to set boundaries than to ask for help? If so, what would be the cost of setting those boundaries?

If you come to realize that this is actually a boundary-setting issue and need practical wisdom about how to proceed, Pooja Lakshmin covers this topic in her book, Real Self-Care. She takes into consideration the social and economic realities that put people into impossible situations.

Are you the one who will think less of yourself for asking for help? Try this thought exercise: Pretend that the person in your situation is your best friend. Would you criticize your best friend the same way you are criticizing yourself? If the answer is no, then consider why you find it okay to talk to yourself like that but not to other people. Developing a sense of self-compassion and forgiving yourself when you are not perfect may be helpful in this situation and many others. Kristin Neff explains how to develop this skill in her book Self-Compassion. Her webpage offers free information about self-compassion and how to develop the practice.

Are you afraid you will be rejected if you ask for help?

If you answered yes to this question, take a moment to think about the evidence you have to support your belief. What is your relationship with the person you are asking for help? Is the relationship founded on mutual respect? What level of trust do you have for each other? If they do not trust you and you want them to, what can you do to build trust?

Could your core beliefs use some work? A core belief is something that you believe to be fundamentally true about the world or yourself. People who believe they are unworthy of help will struggle to ask for help. In severe cases, they may also be depressed and sometimes think about suicide. People with negative core beliefs may have been emotionally abused. They may have internalized the negative messages they received from their abusers. If this describes you there is help. Working with a therapist who knows cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you.

Do you like the control of doing it yourself?

The advantage of doing tasks yourself is that you can get them done the way you most enjoy. If you ask for help with something, others may not do it to your liking. The question then becomes, “How much is it worth it to me to have it done my way?” and “Can I live with this task if it is done differently?” Consider what is necessary versus what is nice to have. Are you factoring in the value of the time that would be freed up if you accepted the help? Are you valuing your time adequately? Are you considering the resentment that will build up over time if you don’t ask for help?

Do you believe this person should already know what you need?

In this situation, consider the relationship you have with the person in question. Think about what the unspoken rules and norms of the relationship are and how they came to be.

• Is this happening in a situation where you don’t know the person you are dealing with very well? If so, consider the other person’s cultural and social background. Is it different from yours? Might the social and cultural expectations they were raised with be different from yours? What is the power differential between you and this person? Do they have less, more, or an equal amount of power to you in the relationship? Are they having a bad day? What are your expectations in this relationship? Do these expectations cross the interpersonal boundaries of other people? If you have thought about it and you believe your request is reasonable, then why not ask? If the answer you receive is no, it may be due to something you hadn’t thought about.

• Is this happening in a situation where you do know the other person involved well? Is it just this one issue on one day or are you dissatisfied with the rules and norms of the relationship? Is this someone who shares equal responsibility with you for a task but doesn’t share in the division of labor? Could this be a spouse who fails to take equal responsibility for managing the household? Maybe it’s your siblings who aren’t sharing in caring for an ailing parent. In these situations, it’s important to understand what you want to ask for. What you want might not be help with one specific task. What you want might be help with carrying the mental load of assessing what needs doing. Understanding what it is you want is a good first step. Understanding your boundaries is also important. It could be that this isn’t about asking for help, but about setting boundaries and negotiating roles.

Do you struggle with how you come across when you are asking for help?

Do you find it hard to thread the needle of not being too aggressive or too passive when you are making a request? Do you need some practical help with asking for help? The non-violent communication process can help you make requests that are assertive and compassionate. Using the non-violent communication process, you can structure your request in the following way:

• State your observations. Give the facts about what you have observed.

• Communicate your feelings. What feelings are alive for you as you make this request?

• Describe your needs. What needs of your will be met by making this request?

• Make the request. Describe the concrete action you desire.

Asking for help is hard, but sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to know why it’s hard and what is getting in your way. This list is not exhaustive, but it can get you thinking about what stands between you and asking for the help you need.

Originally published in Medium. Click here to go to original article.